Ains Ooal Guild Wars 2 - Path of the Heart of Fire Thorns
by Fimbleventr
Summary: So what happens when the Great Tomb of Nazarick falls on Tyria? Ethan is summoned to go investigate! Whether he wants to or not...it's not like it's his senior year or anything... Watch as he slowly loses his mind trying to multitask 7 billion things at once! Watch Ains Ooal Gown actually get a boner! Watch Logan Thackery not be a little girl for once! M for language mostly.
1. Theryn I

**Theryn Prologue:**

So, uh, sorry for jumping into the action a bit quick here, but Houston, we have a problem. A giant big one called Cocytus. Like damn, he barely showed off that poleaxe in the show, so I have no idea what it does. And yes, I only watched the show. Don't judge me.

A lot, and I mean, A LOT of you are gonna be confused right now. Don't worry, it's understandable! I'm confused myself. Not sexually, like, mentally. I'm not crazy though, what I mean to say is my current situation. I'm confused about it. Yeah.

Let me give you the nitty-gritty.

Like normal, I came home from school all giddy because the final episode of _Overlord_ 's second season came out. And boy, oh boy, it did not disappoint. I was on a fantasy sugar high after, so what better fantasy MMO is out there to play? Why, Guild Wars 2! Wow! Fuck Tera and Blade and Soul and Archeage or whatever! (The sarcasm is implied, I don't actually hate all those games lol. Except maybe Tera because it blew up my previous computer.)

So I booted up GW2, and mind you, I'm not max level or anything, I'm just a casual player trying to enjoy the fantasy immersion experience. (By the way, I'm a Sylvari Thief if anyone's asking.) So I picked up where I left off, which was during the level 40 Personal Story from the Order of Whispers where you gotta save that dumb bitch from her dad who sends peeps after her but then she's like, "I'm gonna stand up for myself because I'm a woman!" and that literal pussy Tybalt (Get it? Because he's a Charr!) gives her a big ass gun and then blows up a whole line of apple barrels and walks away like a badass.

Wow, Guild Wars sounds like a massive ass acid trip. Like the actual acid trip the Sylvari go on to recover Caladbolg from that douchey squire.

ANYWAYS

I'm at the end of the quest line, where I meet all the important people I could literally give no fucks about when out of the corner of my eye I see _him_. I wasn't really sure if it was him, but fuck me sideways, lo and behold! The bastard that put me in Fire Emblem and so many other game franchises was lurking in the corner, twiddling his thumbs whistling like a dumb fuck. Like any normal human being would do, I started to get out my chair when he finally looks at me and says-

"Why are you running?"

"Fuck you and your Ugandan Knuckles memes! That shit's been dead for like, 3 months!"

"You are not da real queen. I spit on you!"

"No, no, no, no!"

A flash of light, and ta da! I'm back in the world of games. That empty room he likes to live in materialized around me, and I felt different. I looked down at myself to see what transformation had transpired. This time, I actually took the form of my character in game, a Sylvari Thief named Theryntorix. I look the old rat dead in the eye. "Fuck. You." He just laughed. "Ah, you know you like being in here. It gives you power." I just continued to stare. "So, fucker, what's the dilemma this time? I'm graduating this year, so I would like to continue my life."

A serious grimace shadowed his face. "Yes, yes, yes. I'm afraid this problem is more...severe and rare. It's...a crossover event."

I tilted my head. "How is that bad? Wouldn't that just make everything a giant nerd gangbang?"

The old kook just shook his head. "That's the point. All these fantasy elements smashed together will distort reality, changing the world in ways we've never seen. We haven't seen them to this day because we had agents like you preventing these things."

"Had?"

"You don't want to know what happened to them."

I immediately got a more sinister vibe than what I've experienced previously in Fire Emblem and Dragon Age. "So, what's the crossover? Star Wars and Starcraft? Ed, Edd, and Eddy and Percy Jackson? C'mon man, I'm drowning in suspense."

He sighed. "It's, ah, Guild Wars 2 and Overlord."

"..."

"You still there?"

"Fuck. Yeah. Count me in. What's my role in all of this?"

He paced backwards, tapping his feet along the floor. "It seems the dragon Zhaitan has risen again, as well as all his Elder Dragon friends upon the arrival of one Lich - Ains Ooal Gown. It seems his death magic permeated whatever Trahearne and Destiny's Edge did to destroy the dragons and revived them unintentionally. It also appears that the Great Tomb of Nazarick has planted itself dead in the heart of the Maguuma Wastes, which is fortunate. It only squashed a few of the Mordrem. No one is aware of Nazarick's arrival yet, and one of your goals is to make sure it stays that way."

I perked up at this. "One of my goals?"

He regarded me with tired eyes. "Sadly, yes. The second goal that must be achieved is to slay Zhaitan and his allies yet again. It should not matter how you do it. In fact, I have a request. I'd REALLY like to see Destiny's Edge fight alongside with Ains and his troops. Just think of the fanfictions and stories there'll be about it!"

I just deadpanned. "No promises."

He became serious once more and took a deep breath. "Your last goal, and arguably the hardest, is to send the Great Tomb of Nazarick and its inhabitants back to where they came from. I can't spare any of my power right now, it's spread too thin trying to hold together the Entertainoverse."

"What the hell is the Entertainoverse?" I struggled to get this word wrapped around my head. "It's the known universe of all forms of entertainment. From novels to movies, to games to music, if it entertains, it lives in the Entertainoverse."

"Well, shit. That's a lot of baggage you're carrying there."

"Why do you think I'm so fucking old? Maintaining all this shit drains my life like no tomorrow."

"I thought you were immortal."

"Well, I am, but it just fucking hurts."

An awkward silence filled the room.

"So all I gotta do is keep the Tomb hidden, kill Zhaitan, and send the Tomb back."

"Right."

I looked up at the ceiling.

"Where do I start?"

"How about the Grove?"

YOU'RE REALLY MAKING ME START FROM THE BEGINNING YOU SON OF A -


	2. Theyrn II

**Theryn II:**

"-BITCH?!"

I realized I was now in the middle of the Grove.

With everyone staring at me.

A random ass Sylvari whose first word since coming out the dream was 'bitch.' And not just a noise that sounded like 'bitch.' Like, full force, intentional 'bitch.'

Aw, fuck me.

I stood up and dusted myself off because coming out from a magical plane makes you dirty somehow, and really took in the splendor of the Grove. It was everything from the game and ten times more. Everything was alive and kicking, and residents were bustling about. It was surreal.

"Holy shitballs…" I murmured. As I said that, however, several Sylvari whipped their heads towards me and started marching to my position, eventually seizing me by the arms.

"Whoa, big guys, what's the dealeo here? I'm just a normal dude who popped outta the womb of a magical dream plane, chill!" They wouldn't budge, and instead, a Sylvari stepped out from the group and cleared his voice. "You, youngling, have committed a grave sin, even though you have only been outside the Dream for two minutes. I don't even know how that is possible. You're basically the equivalent of a baby. Caithe must've really fucked up with you."

What. Did. He. Just. Say.

"What? One, I'm not even religious so I can't commit sin. Two, do I look like a fucking baby to you? I'm a grown ass Sylvari with a monster in my leaves, thank you very much. And three, don't you dare disrespect best girl Caithe, or I'll fucking rip those pine reeds off and shove them up your ass!"

Oh, fuck, that's a pimp slap if I've ever felt one.

"The teachings of the Pale Tree are absolute! Whoever this Shitballs you mentioned, he is certainly not part of the holy lessons divined by the Pale Tree! Either you take back your words, sinner, or go join the Soundless!"

I looked the fucker dead in the eyes. "What the actual fuck is wrong with you guys? Shitballs is just an exclamatory word."

"Then why did you put holy in front of it?"

"I dunno."

"You must know! You are the one who did it!"

"Fuck you, I don't know! It's just a thing we do from where I come from!"

"You came from the Dream you-! Gah, fine you insolent whelp! If you want to play that way, then you're finding your first night outside the dream in a nice, cold leaf cell."

FUUUUUUUUUUUUU-

Three hours later I woke up in a nice, cold leaf cell. It wasn't all that bad, but the other prisoners made the experience mildly frustrating. Especially the dude in the cell next to me. Vern, his name was. And boy, was he the ugliest Sylvari if I've ever seen one. Fat, very leafy, and had the worst backalley accent if I've ever heard one.

"...so yeah, I bent her backwards and we got goin' nice and slow. Most tender lover if ah ever known one. Wutta 'bout you, feller? You got a missus waitin' fer you back home?"

"Nope."

"Aw, c'mon, yer a young lil thang! Surely you got sum smokin' hot piece of bark ready fer you to fertilize."

"Shut up, Vern. Although, that fertilizing joke was pretty good. I'll steal it for later."

"Are ya sure-"

"Shut the fuck up, Vern, I'm trying to think."

"'Bout what?"

"How to get the hell out of here."

"Well, that's mighty hard."

"Yes, it is, so please, let me think in silence."

"...Bud."

"I said to shut up."

"I think you may wanna listen-"

"Vern, I won't say it again."

"But-"

"Vern."

"Ah got tha keys."

"Vern, what are you talking about?"

"Tha' keys. I got 'em."

"What keys?"

"To tha cells."

Now this peaked my interest. Somehow the fattest and ugliest motherfucker swiped the keys from under the guards' noses, and did it completely unnoticed. Something was fishy. And I HATE fish. Okay, no I don't, but I was going for the one liner there so don't judge me.

"Hey, Vern."

"Yessir?"

"How'd you get the keys?"

"They fell."

"From where?"

"Tha ceiling."

"Keys don't just fall from the ceiling, fam."

"Ahm tellin' ya tha honest truth!"

"Okay, whatever. How long have you had the keys?"

"A few hours now."

"A few hours?"

"Yeah."

"Then why in the Pale Tree's asshole haven't you gotten us out of here?!"

"Cuz ah liked talkin' to you."

"Fuck me sideways, just get us out of here!"

"Yessir!"

A few seconds later, Vern comes tumbling out of his cage and waddles over to mine and unlocks it. Now, a prison break is virtually impossible with just two people, but Vern counts as at least five. "We could use a bit more manpower, Vern, open the other cells. We're blowing this pop stand." Vern cocked his head at me. "What's a pop stand?" I pushed him away. "Nevermind that, just go!" He scrambles off, and I'm alone.

"Alright, let's think of a plan."

A finger taps my shoulder. "A plan to do what?" I whip around to find myself in front of the one and only best girl in the franchise. "Ah, Caithe, what a pleasant surprise to find you here!" A few moments pass. "AH CAITHE WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE?!" She puts her hand on my mouth. "Sh! Shut up! I'm here to help!" After calming down, she brandishes a sword. "Can you fight?" Well, yeah dumbass, that's why I'm here. Of course, I didn't say that out loud, but thinking it helped get my point across. I take the sword and nod. "Where are we going?" Caithe glances behind her. "I'll take you out the Grove at least. I have a portal that can send you somewhere safe, but it's one way. I have a friend that can take care of you. Hurry, we have to go!" I bite my lip. Do I escape and save my neck so I can fight Zhaitan and potentially Ains? Or do I stay with best girl Caithe and hope for the best around these Pale Tree weirdos? "Fuck it. Take me to that portal." Caithe nods. "Follow me." Mentally waving goodbye to Vern, I rush after Caithe to what appears to be her home. We jet inside and she shoves me towards an Asura Gate. "Alright then, Caithe. I'll see you later?" She looks at me for a split second, and gives me that smile that melts my heart. "Come back to me safe, Fell One." Before I could even fathom how she knew about that title, she brings me in close and I could feel her lips on mine. I mentally scream like a teenage girl whose mom took her to see BTS live, before finding myself pushed into the Gate. The last thing I saw was Caithe's beautiful figure before I vanished into darkness...


End file.
